"O God, be Thou exalted over my possessions. Nothing of earth's treasures shall seem deal until me if only Thou art glorified in my life.

Be Thou exalted over my friendships. I am determined that Thou shalt be above all, though I must stand deserted and alone in the midst of the earth.

Be Thou exalted above my comforts. Though it mean the loss of bodily comforts and the carrying of heavy crosses I shall keep my vow made this day before Thee.

Be Thou exalted over my reputation. Make me ambitious to please Thee even if as a result I must sink into obscurity and my name be forgotten as a dream.

Rise, O Lord, into Thy proper place of honor, above my ambitions, above my likes and dislikes, above my family, my health and even my life itself.

Let me decrease that Thou mayest increase, let me sink that Thou mayest rise above.

Ride forth upon me as Thou dist ride into Jerusalem mounted upon the humble little beast, a colt, the foal of an ass, and let me hear the children cry to Thee, 'Hosanna in the Highest.' " 

-A.W. Tozer 

“There are no ordinary people. You have never talked to a mere mortal....Next to the Blessed Sacrament itself, your neighbour is the holiest object presented to your senses. If he is your Christian neighbour he is holy in almost the same way, for in him also Christ vere latitat—the glorifier and the glorified, Glory Himself, is truly hidden.” (C.S. Lewis from the essay, "Weight of Glory.")

As a follower of Christ I am called to look upon every human as a holy being made by an all powerful creator. Every soul is a unique window into the heart of God. It pains me to think about all of the times I have neglected to see the work of art God has created and placed in front of me. People so quickly become the backdrop of my day instead of taking center sage. I wonder how many times I have missed out on learning something new about God because of it.  
 

Often I have found myself on a favorite soap box talking about how we need to love the men who are involved in the sex trade. That may sound great but to be honest with you I have had ulterior motives. I realized recently that my motivation for wanting to reach the men was basically to help the women. (Which is not bad but it needs to go farther) Its almost as if I saw it as a formula: Change the men and we will save the women! I see now that it is not that easy and I have been looking at the men as solution to the problem instead of seeing them as holy beings in need of the same restoration that the women deserve. After attending a training a couple of days ago with MST (Men in the Sex Trade) my perspective was changed and I left with a new vision and a new understanding. 

Just as I would not label a women as a prostitute because that is placing a stigma on her, I should not call the men in the sex trade “Johns” or “perverts.” Instead of merely looking at men for what they are on the surface I need to ask God to change my eyes. I want to see men for what they COULD be instead of dwelling on the sin that is so blatant to my eyes. 

My aunt Brenda used to say, “Never throw out anyone.” That is a new conviction I have for the men that come to Phnom Penh to buy sex. Did Jesus not die on the cross for these men too? Are their sins a little bit too bad? A little bit too ugly? No! These men are worthy of love just like the rest of us. I wonder how often our judgement spurs them farther down the slippery slope of sexual sin? 

We are called to be extensions of God’s grace, mercy and love. It is never too late for any man to find restoration and return to the heart of God. (Please don’t hear me saying I condone their sin, or that I am going to go hang out with rapists and sex offenders alone, but we can’t just throw them out.) These men are craving relationship, connection, intimacy and love just like the rest of us do. Yes the way they go about finding those things are wrong and hurtful to others (and they do require consequences where justice is concerned), but they are desperate cries that cannot be ignored. 

The other day after the training I went on the MST outreach and was a part of a mobile prayer team. We went to various red light districts in the city and prayed over the men we saw outside various clubs and brothels that were buzzing with activity until early in the morning. There were two other groups participating with us, one stayed back at the base to pray and the other group roamed the streets and engaged men in conversation. 

What struck me that night was that God is too faithful, too loving, and too gracious to give up on these men. They are not happy, they are desperately chasing after feelings of intimacy and then in the morning they are faced with the reality that they are alone. My heart broke for them. 

I know for a fact that God can change the messiest life and make it beautiful. There are many testimonies of men encountered in the red light districts that repented and gave their lives over to God. But they need people who are willing to sit in their mess with them, it is not a quick fix. 

God desires to call out the greatness in men and in all of us really. Do any of us really live up to the potential that an intimate walk with God should inspire? I believe that God is pursuing the men in the red light districts just as much as he is the women. He is relentless and he will show himself to them like a roaring lion. I repent for all the times of looking at these men and only seeing the dirt and the grime. My prayer is that the love of Christ will penetrate their hearts and we will see transformation and lasting change.

I think we would be surprised to find that there is a hero disguised in the worst of men. Let's call them out. 

The curtain was suddenly drawn and light clashed with darkness. I was no longer walking around a tourist hot spot but a war zone. The reality of the sex trade along with the evilness of man became real and I did not feel so invincible anymore. Clearly this is not just a lucrative business but a battle for souls. Totally unprepared I found myself standing between a man and his source of income; and he was not happy. 

How did we get to this? This girl was completely innocent at one point. Was she a wanted or unwanted baby? Was she abused by her family or loved? Do they even know where she is now or what her life is like? Did she come from a poor family and the burden of providing was placed on her shoulders? Has anyone told her that she is valuable? Beautiful? Does she remember the days before her job was sleeping with men? Does she remember what it is like to be free from the haze of drugs? Does she know what it is like to be loved without wanting anything in return? When was the last time her sleep was not interrupted by the violent hands of evil men? Does she know what it is like to paint and draw in peace without getting threatened for not being with customers?  

And what about this man who is responsible for selling her? The one who controls her and makes money off her body. Why is he so numb and angry? What occurred in his life that makes it impossible for him to stay sober? When did he loose sight of other human beings and their value? How does he see himself? What happened to him that made him okay with exploiting and abusing women? What were his dreams when he was young? Did he want to be a teacher, a soccer player, super hero or a doctor? Maybe his mom is sick and he needs money for her medicine. Was he abused when he was young? Does he remember life before alcohol and violence? Is he looking for an escape? What is going on behind the fury in his eyes and his clenched jaw? Can I blame him for being angry at me for getting in the way of his livelihood? 

Why did I think I could waltz into this place with my paint brush without shaking things up? Why did I not think about the consequences of painting with these girls and about the possibility that I could get them in trouble for not making enough money? Well I cannot go back now and experience is the best teacher so I am choosing to learn from it but I still have so many questions. God protected me, showed me the reality of the situation but I can’t help thinking about that girl and where she is now. How can we reach those girls without endangering their lives or making their situations worse? What is really helping and what is hurting? How can we get these girls out of these situations? And what about me? I am serving an all powerful God but where is the line between being bold and being stupid? I don’t want to be crippled by fear but I want to walk wisely. This is not simply a battle between flesh and blood, that is very clear. 

So what now? God has called me to Cambodia to be a voice for girls such as this one. I am not going to be silent and I am not going to give up. I will not stay inside my house afraid that next time things will go differently; which shows me how vital prayer is. I will strive to walk in wisdom and discernment. I also recognize how naive I have been and still am in many aspects as I am still in the learning process. We live in a messy world but we have a great and beautiful hope. This hope; which is the love of Christ is too precious and too brilliant to keep to myself. So I will not be discouraged but will continue to fight this fight with the backing of an angel army. God is the only one who can penetrate hearts and restore the broken walls. The pressure if off but the war is on. 

“The goal is not to change your subjects, but for the subject to change the photographer."

 ~Author Unknown

My plans were to become a photographer and travel the world for National Geographic magazine. The art of photography had captured a part of me and I wanted to live a life of adventures and exploration. I was intrigued by the challenge of capturing moments and expressing emotions through pictures. Even normal day places seemed to open as I stood behind the lens and beauty that I had not noticed previously became magnified. Every street corner and every person I passed became a subject to explore. 

For college I decided to attend John Brown University for two main reasons: My parents got a job there causing my tuition to be free for the first year and it just so happened that they had just started a photography program. I figured that was not coincidence but God pulling me to Arkansas. I became a photography major and dove into art classes. My sophomore year I was finally enrolled in my first photography class and I felt one step closer to my national geographic dream. A couple weeks into the semester everything changed, it was the period where there were two days left to drop a class and for some reason I was unsettled out of nowhere. Confused as to why I would feel this way I battled the thought that I needed to drop photography all together. I realized that I had been chasing after my own dreams and not asking God what he wanted for me.

So after a lot of struggle I dropped my photography class and I changed my major to Intercultural Studies. It seemed a little crazy at the time as I had already taken so many art classes and would have a lot of classes to make up for my new major. I wondered if would even be able to graduate on time. Well God of course was faithful and worked it all out, I was able to graduate in four years; which was a small miracle in itself. Now looking back I see that it was because of my change of major and the events that came after that I now find myself in Cambodia. 

Yesterday God gave me an unexpected gift, he brought photography back into my life. I had the honor of photographing a Human Trafficking Member meeting put on by an organization here in Cambodia called, “Chab Dai.” I was able to witness the coalition of many Anti-Trafficking organizations in the city and document the union of passionate people sharing ideas on how to better stop the sex trade in Cambodia. As I held the camera and walked around the room, I felt very much alive. I was able to be a part of an issue I am passionate about and use an art form that I love to contribute in a small way. And because of that day, more opportunities came up for me to use photography! God is so intentional! 

Now I see that there was a purpose in giving up one of my dreams and offering my passion of photography to the Lord. The track that I had put myself on was not headed to Cambodia and God and to derail me; which I did not understand at the time. I feel so blessed to have had my eyes opened yesterday and to see that the picture God is painting is so much bigger than anything I could imagine. God had to get me to a place where I held my hands wide open to him, offering all of my desires and wants. Now I see that He does not simply want to destroy my plans and take away things I want just for the heck of it but His plans are so much better! And he was the one who designed my heart and planted the passions that I have in the first place. I am able to live in Cambodia, doing what I love and in a way I could not have planned! Thank you Lord! 

"Sometimes I do get to places just when God's ready to have somebody click the shutter."  
Ansel Adams

I know less than I thought (Part two) 

“Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.” Matthew 5:3

I stand in rags at the thrown 

Very aware of my dirty face 

Yet the king is smiling 

No sign of disgrace 

I tremble at his beauty 

Weeping, I fall at his feet 

What can I possibly do 

for someone who died for me? 

Thank you for being of this process with me as I wrestle with what it means to be poor in spirit. As I confessed in the first part of this blog, I do not have the answers but God has taken me on a journey and as I have been encouraged by many of you, I hope this can evoke your thoughts and encourage you all as well. 

Poverty is the condition of having little. Those stuck in poverty are aware of their condition, they live in it and are reminded of it daily. I would guess that those who live in poverty have a deeper level of thankfulness for basic things that I take for granted all of the time. I don’t know what it is like to wonder when my next meal will be or where I will find shelter at night. Those who are stuck in poverty know their dependence, they know that their bodies need food and what it is like to not have it. And those who are able to escape poverty most likely have a higher level of appreciate in general. 

Thinking about poverty and how it relates to my spirit took me face to face with the cross. It is easy to forget or to grow accustomed to hearing about the death of Jesus and the sacrifice he made on our behalf. We can’t let that happen! The reality is that He suffered more than we could ever understand or imagine in order to secure life and restoration for everyone. He came down from the thrown to the Lord’s footstool and he died for all of the footstool dwellers and in the most humble way. 

The truth is that we all nailed Jesus to the cross. We are all responsible for his suffering and yet Jesus does not ask us to serve him out of guilt, all he wants is for us to choose him. If all Jesus did for us was to die and rise again that would be way more than enough. What is so wonderful about Jesus is that he does not stop there, he actively pursues, restores, redeems and blesses us daily. 

So why do I have a spirit of entitlement so often? Why do I so quickly forget the weight of Jesus dying for me? That fact should rock my world every day and should be reflected in all of my actions. I should start every morning at his feet, humble and thankful and ready to serve him with everything. I need to recognize the condition of my flesh and my sin nature. Pride so easily gets in the way and blinds me. I want to learn how to posture my heart in humbleness. I want to see every breath I breathe as a gift and exude thankfulness with every word. 

Lord forgive me. There is no way to thank you for what you did for me and yet you do not hold that against me. Thank you for loving me as much as you do. Help me to worship you with my life. Thank you Lord. 

God does not need me 

but he wants me 

I belong to him and 

yet he allows me to choose him 

He does not ask for dry rituals 

to pay back the price he paid

He sent his son to the grave

with the intention to save…me 

All he wants is my love 

freely and surely 

He can work without me 

but he chose to work through me 

In my humanness I am messy 

but a treasure is what he sees 

He says that his grace and 

mercy are sufficient for me 

What can I do to pay back this king? 

His blood was poured out in return for a ring 

For I am his bride and I 

freely believe 

So I want my life to be worship, 

through every breath that I breathe


 

If you have time, read this passage written by C.S.Lewis in Mere Christianity: 

"The moment you have a self at all, there is a possibility of putting yourself first -wanting to be the center- wanting to be God, in fact. That was the sin of Satan: and that was the sin he taught the human race. . . . What Satan put into the heads of our remote ancestors was the idea that they could 'be like gods'- could set up on their own as if they had created themselves- be their own master- invent some sort of happiness for themselves outside God, apart from God. And out of that hopeless attempt has come nearly all that we call human history- money, poverty, ambition, war, prostitution, classes, empires, slavery- the long terrible story of man trying to find something other than God which will make him happy. 

The reason why it can never succeed is this. God made us: invented us as a man invents an engine. A car is made to run on petrol, and it would not run properly on anything else. Now God designed the human machine to run on Himself. He Himself is the fuel our spirits were designed to burn, or the food our spirits were designed to feed on. There is no other. That is why it is just no good asking God to make us happy in our own way without bothering about religion. God cannot give us happiness and peace apart from Himself, because it is not there. There is no such thing. 

That is the key to history, Terrific energy is expended- civilizations are built up- excellent institutions are devised; but each time something goes wrong. Some fatal flaw always brings the selfish and cruel people to the top and it all slides back into misery and ruin. In fact, the machine conks. It seems to start up all right and runs a few yards, and then it breaks down. They are trying to run it on the wrong juice. That is what Satan has done to us humans."

There are moments in life that I wish could be saved on film. How great would it be to sit down on a rainy afternoon, make some pop corn and choose a reel highlighting a meaningful or fun experience. You would be able to relive a moment or share it with loved ones who were not there. But the reality is we can’t do that; which makes those moments sweeter. You know that you will never experience it again and so you have to choose to enjoy it and be all present. 

I have a feeling that my two years in Cambodia are going to be filled with those moments. Last weekend  was an example of one of those experiences. Our Khmer teachers invited us to go out with them on Saturday night and experience different cultural events. Our first stop was a place called Diamond Island; which included a Khmer fashion show and booths full of colorful clothes and delicious samples. Our last stop was dinner at a night market located near the river front; where we were able to try different authentic Khmer food. 

I rode with my teacher on her moto and right when we starting going the sky broke and heavy rain began to fall. We stopped and bought ponchos for twenty five cents and headed on our way, not letting the weather stop us. A lot of people probably would have thought that the rain was a nuisance but I loved it. Riding on the back of a moto, in the insane traffic, with the extra adventure factor of rain made me feel Khmer and absolutely immersed into the city life of Phnom Penh. 

I have been learning so much from Khmer culture. Yes, Cambodia has its problems and issues with roots that go deep below the surface, but that is true of every culture. America has its own set of problems that are sometimes harder to see because they are not as blatant. It is not my intention to bash America, or Cambodia or any other country, my point is that we could learn valuable things from each other if we took the time to look. 

Our Khmer teachers are so patient with us and hospitable every where we go. They watch out for us and embrace us in such as way that I don’t feel like a foreigner. They are so generous with everything that they have and quick to share. They are curious about American’s and make me laugh harder than a lot of people. They are full of life and so easy to hang out with, even if we don't always understand each other when we speak. On our way home from our evening adventure our motos stayed together in a cluster and we sang Justin Beiber (not my choice but it was hilarious) songs back and forth as we passed each other in the traffic. I felt honored to spend time with them as friends and was filled and encouraged. 

It has been about seven weeks now since moving to Cambodia and that time has been packed with so many experiences that it feels more like 14 weeks. I have felt deep heartbreak for the people of Cambodia but also a deep love. I have seen soul saddening things but then I have had soul filling moments that make me so thankful to be here. Yes I came to be used by God in any way that he wills but I am also here to learn. Every encounter with people can be used as an opportunity to share Christ, but it would be naive of me to think I am bringing Christ to this country. He is already here, walking the streets disguised by the faces of local Khmer people and He has so much he wants to teach me.

I looked out the bus window and watched as a little boy stood on his tip toes, picking through a garbage can. People and moto’s whirled around him not seeming to notice as old leftovers made their way to his mouth in a slow robotic motion. This is the scene that is played over and over again all around Cambodia, it is normal here. 

There is no lack of poverty and it is more complex than what I have ever been exposed to, even after growing up in a third world country. Every day I am introduced to a new face of poverty; whether it is an old woman begging for food, a child on the street or a prostitute on a bench. I am greeted by these faces at the market, walking home, on tuk tuk rides and when I pass beer gardens and brothels. Poverty is definitely not something to be desired. I have wrestled with this mass web of poverty ever since the first day of being here and so when I read,  Matthew 5:2 the other day it jolted me and brought up many thoughts and questions. 

“Blessed are the poor in Spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of Heaven.” 

I struggle with feeling helpless as I have encounters with the poverty of those around me. I wrestle with how to respond and what I can do. Does giving money or food help or hurt? How can I be the one to decide? How can I buy comforts for myself such as coffee knowing there are people who need food? How can I help them the most? How can I best show them the love of Christ? And the questions go on and on.

And I would like to confess something really quickly that may shock some of you: I do not have it figured out and I doubt I ever will completely. This is something I know I will continue to wrestle with. I cannot create a pretty formula of what to do in those situations. And if I wrote a manual labeled, “How to respond to poverty” I would be very naive and I would be quenching the Holy Spirit. I have actually found that it is in those encounters with the faces of poverty that I see my deep need of the Spirit and my own poverty is exposed. 

So what does it mean to be poor in spirit? What did Jesus intend that to look like when he said it? How could something that is so devastating be a desired attribute of my spirit? How do I strive for that? What would my life look like if I practiced being poor in spirit? 

Well Instead of projecting all of my thoughts in this one massive blog and overwhelming everyone, I am going to post the second part of this soon. I want to leave you with this for now and invite you into my process. I will post my other thoughts soon as I work through them and continue in this journey of learning. Take some time to think about how your life would look if you were poor in spirit and how you can put that into practice. And please share your thoughts with me and your own questions.

                      To be continued....

Thursday nights in Cambodia are quickly becoming a favorite of mine. I wish everyone could experience the sweetest worship service that takes place in a church down the street from out house. The building also acts as a boys home, and is called “Water of Life.” There is an orphanage close by and on Thursday nights the older kids lead a worship service for the younger ones. 

I love pulling up to the front of the building and immediately hearing the life and joy that is inside. The entry way is always filled with a sea of little shoes and right when anyone comes inside, they are flocked by the owners of those shoes. Watching the kids worship always ministers to my soul in a way I can’t explain. I always feel quieted, humbled, filled and leave overflowing with life. The relationships and friendships that are being made there are such a blessing to me and I am so thankful. 

Tonight I was especially captivated by one of the little boys. This little boy lookes like a burn victim or some kind of terrible accident. He has no fingers and his hands literally look like tree branches. I had seen him the two other times I had come but tonight I could not stop watching him. I was amazed by his joy and the way he lit up the room. Watching him worship was absolutely beautiful and you could literally see Christ in him. There was no bitterness in his eyes about his physical condition; which I am sure is a struggle. He stood on the stage of the little room and just sang his heart out. We would make eye contact and he would smile and just keep singing louder and louder. All of the kids there love him and joke with him because his joy is contagious. He has definitely moved and inspired me. 

And then there was another little boy who I noticed the first time. When I first saw him he was sitting on the stage, hands clasped together and eyes shut as tight as possible singing to Jesus with everything he had. I have not seen little kids worship like this, and he is an orphan, how convicting! I was drawn to him because he reminded me of my older brother Jonathan when we were little because of the way he looks; which made me love him immediately. Tonight he ran to me and grabbed my hand and then he made sure I had a pillow to sit on during the service. He sat down next to me and then one of the little girls plopped herself in my lap and snuggled up for the rest of the service. These kids have stolen my heart. 

The other day I watched a little boy eat food out of garbage. He was on his tip toes trying to get to the scraps. My team and I are exposed to sights like that daily. Every day I see people in what seems like hopeless situations. My heart breaks all of the time because I feel powerless to save them all. But God is teaching me to hand over that burden and respond as He leads because I am not able to carry it on my own. But then I am able to see the light in the darkness by His grace. There is such a cycle of violence in the Cambodian families and I am excited for these children from Water of Life to grow up and make a difference in this country. They are passionate for Jesus and are going out to make him known to their own people. What a beautiful thing to see! God has been and definitely is working in Cambodia. I am looking forward to telling more stories of hope. 

In Cambodia it is customary to take off your shoes before entering someone’s home and especially before entering places of worship. This shows respect and portrays that you are entering sacred ground. 

On Sunday, a pastor of a local Khmer church here made the point that if all Jesus did for us was die, that would be way more than enough. And yet we always ask him for things in such a way that portrays entitlement. The truth is that we deserve death but God is full of compassion and grace. 

Here in Cambodia there are many rituals that go along with the religion of Buddhism, especially at different times in the year. (It my goal to understand Buddhism better so I can understand better. So if any one knows of a good book to read please let me know.) Right now we are in the middle of a spiritual holiday that lasts fifteen days called, “Bonn Pchum Ben.” It is believed that during this time, the spirits of ancestors return to earth. People travel to pagodas (temples) to make offerings of food, incense and money to ease spirits’ burden. 

I went and observed this today and it was definitely a new experience. We were able to talk to the monks (which was interesting because of my very limited Khmer), sit in the pagoda and watch the different ceremonies.  What struck me was that there are so many rituals that people dutifully perform but they all seem so empty, out of obligation, and fear. I watched the monks eyes as they chanted and I did not see life, I saw.... nothing. 

My heart broke as I kept thinking about Jesus, how he died for all of them and yet they had no idea. And all Jesus wants in return is their hearts and for them to know him. I also felt convicted and thought about all of times I have put off spending time with Jesus. But God also doesn’t want to guilt us into a relationship with him. God... sent his son to die for me and he does not desire me to be a slave to rituals, seeking to pay him back. The truth is there is nothing I could ever do that would amount to what he did for me. All he wants from me is to seek him. How freeing is that? And that is what inspires me to seek him more. My love is definitely not out of obligation but thankfulness...

In fearing God we do not need to live in fear of God. There is a huge difference. Rituals out of fear are rooted in guilt and not love. We need to learn how to fear and love God. We need to practice taking off our shoes and approach the thrown of the creator of the universe. This should affect the way we pray, not demanding things but praying for his will. I would love to see the trend of taking off shoes spread to churches in the States. I love the symbolism of coming humbly before God and literally showing him the respect he deserves and yet does not demand. 

Sometimes it is hard to know what to write when there is soooo much on my heart. So for now, I thought I would share a prayer I wrote in my journal. I will write more soon. 
 

Lord, you did not call me to Cambodia to be comfortable. Growth happens in the mist of discomfort. You care about my heart and what flows from it. Make that my concern. Mold me to be more like you... 

You are breaking my heart for what breaks yours. How many times have I prayed for that in the                     past? But as my heart breaks on a daily basis by what I see I pray that you will hold my heart. I                       know I can’t carry these burdens on my own. 

You and I are in a dance together in the middle of complete brokenness and crisis. But I refuse to turn away from your face. I will keep my eyes and heart transfixed on you. Instead of looking at the orphan children, the women in the bars, and the men with hopelessness I will look for you. 

Instead of grieving the conditions of Cambodia I will choose to find hope.  Help me to to see you in this place. Help me to respond the way you would in every situation. Never let me become consumed with helplessness or legalism. Lead my steps. Lead my actions. Open my eyes. 

Fill me up with you so that I can be poured out. Help me to learn how to approach your thrown. Thank you for always meeting me where I am and for being so completely faithful to me. 

Grow my faith Lord. Help me to trust in you and your power. Please clean me on a daily basis. Flush anything out that is not you. Help my purpose to be from you. Take away any selfish motivation. Help me to place myself in a position daily before you so that you can transform me. 

You are refining me in love. Thank you for pursuing me every day and for being there when I look for you and even when I forget to look. 

 

"As my heart longs for flowing streams, so longs my soul for thee, O God. My soul thirsts for God, for the Living God." Ps. 42: 1,2